The Music of Our Lives

Isn't it funny how a song, a lyric, a melody can take you back to another place and time (boy, haven't heard that one before!) I am terribly, horribly, sickly sentimental. I'm talking over the top, saving stupid shit just because it had a sentimental attachment to some period in my life. For example, the pre wrap and tape from my knee, that I was wearing the time I got my PR in long jump, would be something I would hold onto in my "memory trunk", and look at once a year and ooh and aah over and say "remember when?" (I totally made that scenario up, maybe, but you get the picture!)

Jay, Me, Shane - Christmas 1975

Well I have spent a lot of time this summer listening to old memories. I've downloaded more memories this past year than ever before. I've created playlists in iTunes specific to this. Want to remember high school days, pretend to be 18 again, Playlist "80's'.  Having a bad day, want to cry it out, Playlist "Crying".  Go back to being a kid, the early days when I had nothing to worry about, Playlist "70's". Need to jam it out, pick any "Workout" Playlist. 

Me, Jay, Shane - 1987

Typically I tend to go back to pre-adult days to find the best memories. Back when there were no worries, no thoughts other than what was going to happen that day. Just my immediate family, the first family we all are born into, the one we think we want to get rid of, but find out in the worst times of our lives, these are the people that are there for you no matter what. I go back to when there were no lost loved ones, no broken hearts, dreams are still dreams you think will turn to reality. Why do we ever have to lose that? Oh that's right, we think getting out, no more parental rules, being the boss of our own lives, we can do better, life will be great. And for a long while it is, I think.

Granted, I started my adult life earlier than most, but I remember being optimistic.  I can't say that's the way things are everyday anymore.  The reality of life is it's life.  Life is not fair, life's a bitch! There are good days, there are bad days, good memories, bad memories, love comes and goes, friends come in and out of your life, and everyday we wake up and do it all again. Why do we torture ourselves? Stop the madness!!! Call it hope, call it faith, whatever trips your trigger, but it's life, for better or worse. 

       

Me & Jay - 1971

Me & Shane - 1985

This past week has been full of all kinds of emotions. There have been lots of songs this week, lots of smiles, lots of tears, lots of memories. And I always go back to my brothers. No matter what's going on in my life, my core is the three of us. And every August when this week rolls around, I have to remember it's just the two of us now. So out come the memories. Pictures, videos, music, any sentimental piece I've held on to that will allow be to be transcended back in time. Some of the old pictures I don't physically remember, I was far too young. But the more recent ones bring back smells, sounds, catch my breath type of emotion sending me into a whirlwind wishing and hoping I could turn back the clock, get one more hug, say one more I Love You, say goodbye one more time. 

And then I pick out a happy piece of sentiment, pull myself up by the boot straps, blow my nose, wipe the tears away, take a step forward to make new memories, and struggle to find some faith and hope that my life today will create some great memories for tomorrow. 

My deepest love to Jay-Jay and Shanie, forever my brothers, forever my guardians. I Love You!

In My Life

I sat here tonight trying to come up with a name for this new blog of mine.  I could hear a song in my head, the lyrics actually, the melody separately. When I finally put them together I was taken to The Beatles song "In My Life". There is something about this song, I can't explain it.  According to Wikipedia, it was written by John Lennon reminiscing about his childhood.  That must have been it.

Jay, Shane, Holly - at Gr & Gr Penny's

As the years pass and my childhood falls further away, my childhood memories have become more prominent and profound.  Along with the fact that this year marked the 20th anniversary of my brother Shane's death, and lately everything brings back a memory of childhood, I felt compelled to write about my family, primarily my brothers.

I grew up in a small northeast Nebraska town.  I was the youngest of my siblings, both brothers, 10 and 8 years older than I.  It was almost like being an only child since by 5th grade they were both graduated and moved out of the house, never to return on any permanent basis.  Even so, I have lots of memories of being picked on by them, but also protected and loved.  As I grew up, they were both there for me. Still my protectors and guardians.

My oldest brother, Jay, stayed in our hometown, got married and had a family.  My brother Shane was the wanderer.  He moved to California the day after graduation and never looked back.  Even though they were both living their own adult lives, they still came together to look out and guide me.

Imagine that, I'm eating!

There is a bridge in our hometown over the Elkhorn River.  As kids swam and tubed in the river, most of the time without parents knowing it, skipping the local pool and biking to the river.  We thought we were really rebels.  One summer when Shane was visiting the two of us went there.  Back in the day, spraying painting your professions of love on the bridge was the thing to do.  If you were a guy, that was probably ok, but for a girl, especially the sister of Jay and Shane Vogltance, that was not ok.  While under the bridge that day, Shane and I found that someone had painted my name, along with a boy's name, unbeknownst to me!  I was mortified!  I was not "dating" this boy (nor was I anywhere old enough to be dating period!)  Apparently we were "in love"! ARGH!

Being the big brothers they were, looking out for their little sister, they set out to take care of it.  Now this bridge sees a fair amount of traffic, and it required some work from the top and underneath to cover it up.  Not an easy task, especially after they'd been out gaining liquid courage!  The funniest moment of the story I can remember is when Jay was on the bridge, Shane was in the water telling him to throw down the flashlight, which he did, but not until after he turned it off, making it just a little harder to catch (or not catch as the story goes).  I heard them talk about this story a few times, and laugh at the stupid lengths they would go to in order to protect the reputation of their little sister.  I thought of them as my saviors!

Ironically, Jay now lives in a house he built with that bridge in his back yard.  Many times I have sat on his back deck, looked at the bridge, and felt a smile creep on my face as I remember that story.  Someday Jay needs to tell me that whole story again.

This may seem trivial to you, some small town stupid stunt.  But to a pre-teen girl, my brothers just set the bar for me for all future relationships.  Isn't that what a big brother, or 2, is supposed to do?




"In My Life" by The Beatles

There are places I remember 
All my life, though some have changed 
Some forever not for better 
Some have gone and some remain 
All these places have their moments 
With lovers and friends I still can recall 
Some are dead and some are living 
In my life I've loved them all 

But of all these friends and lovers 
There is no one compares with you 
And these memories lose their meaning 
When I think of love as something new 
Though I know I'll never lose affection 
For people and things that went before 
I know I'll often stop and think about them 
In my life I love you more 

Though I know I'll never lose affection 
For people and things that went before 
I know I'll often stop and think about them 
In my life I love you more 
In my life I love you more